Crystal’s Crystal Ball: Festive Special

The festive period has arrived, and who better to give us a guide to spicing up the silly season than our favourite Browns fashion expert, Crystal Rasmussen. Shining brighter than a twinkling piece of tinsel and with 2021’s fashion secrets hidden up her spangled sleeve, let Crystal take you on a rollicking ride through this year’s fabulous fashion festivities...

Divorce is a painful battle, especially when it’s from one of the globe’s most famed patriarchs. I’m talking about Mr. Santa Claus. It all started when I gave him my Christmas list, one night after we’d finished watching Kristen Stewart squirm like Rudolph in the wannabe gay classic Happiest Season.

On this list was the usual Browns super-buy. Item one: luxury loungewear — silk PJs to shearling slippers, candles which smell like winter hibernation, all from brands Claus has worked with for a long time like Olivia Von Halle, La Perla, Deiji Studios. Is it too much for a girl to ask for some La Perla when she sleeps?

Then we had Bob Geldof’s pre-Christmas disco to get to. Thank God my style guru Trinny Woodall had told me disco dressing was in, because I had the perfect look: a little metal from Paco Rabanne, some sequins from Halpern, all finished off with some sumptuous layers from 16Arlington, ROTATE and Taller Marmo.

The next day — just before we started wrapping presents for every child in the world (I honestly don’t get paid enough for this) — I had some serious stretching to do. So I threw on some of my sport-but-make-it-loungewear pieces, gifted kindly to me by Ms. Mariah Carey, sponsor of Christmas: my gorgeous WARDROBE.NYC leggings, and my Wales Bonner matching tracksuit. Safe to say I looked fit to get fit, and if my post-divorce book is gonna be a success — titled: Mrs. Claus: Revenge Body — then these babies are going to come in handy.

What happened next really was the kicker. I was busy filming my VT roll for Real Housewives of the Poles (North and South, a lot of us are bi-coastal), and I was wearing a lot of ice. Both literally, you know ice cubes, but also some real glamorous, eksponsif (expensive in elf) pieces to add a little sparkle: Foundrae, Spinelli Kilcollin, Mateo, EÉRA, and I looked a million dollars.

Santa burst in, as always, and slammed down a divorce agreement in front of me. I knew it was coming, but I always thought it would be me doing the leaving. “I know about your affair with Father Time,” he said. “We’re… just friends,” I replied. But it was too late, he’d already found a suitcase of his things in the trunk of my sleigh. I stormed out. “You haven’t looked at me the way he looks at me in years,” I screamed at Claus, and grabbed a bunch of puffer jackets from the coat stand — Moncler, gorgeous, and a big fashion one to go over the top from Fendi, j’adore — and marched out into the cold.

Of course when I arrived at Father Time’s place he was wining and dining the Easter Bunny, that b****. There I was: divorced by my husband, left outside alone by my lover. He’d even dressed up in the party clothes I’d bought him as a pre-Christmas gift: a Craig Green shirt, Bottega Veneta boots, Casablanca jacket, Maison Margiela pants. God he looked good, there pouring that Bunny a stunning glass of Cristal — my namesake brand!

So I did what every single girl in my situation would do: I chartered the jet, and flew it to a party in celebration of my friend Joe. There I gave him the gifts I was supposed to give my Fathers (Christmas, and Time): turntables by Pro-ject, beautiful homewares by Tom Dixon, By Walid, BasShu — perfect for the Oval Office.

Later, as I laid out a glass of eggnog, a mince pie and a set of divorce papers for Santa’s visit, there was a knock at the door: it was Bernie in head to toe Raf Simons. I pulled him through the door, into the warm bosom of my crackling fire, and celebrated the holidays with the president of my heart. And so from one loved up queen to many, I hope this Christmas, like me, you get what you really want. Happy holidays angels. xxxx

Crystal Rasmussen is the alter ego of writer, performer and media personality Tom Rasmussen, author of 2019’s bestselling Diary Of A Drag Queen.