Crystal’s Crystal Ball: November

Starring in Browns 50, staying stylish and seeing into the sartorial future… it’s all in a day’s work for Crystal Rasmussen, Browns’ resident trend forecaster. Back with another monthly column to tell us what to wear and how to wear it, Crystal muses on everything from Emily In Paris to what’s hot this season - from Pumpkin Spice Lattes to puffer jackets. Read on for more of Crystal’s clothing clairvoyance...

“Basic!”

“Excuse me?” I exclaimed, wincing as my dear friend and style seance specialist, New York Times acclaimed chef Ina Garten whispered at me while we were screen-share-online-Zoom shopping this week.

“Basic!”

I hung up, in a fever of searing rage, vowing never to speak to the Barefooted Countess ever again. It wasn’t until that evening, while I was binging the show I wrote, styled and starred in — it’s about a girl called Emily who moves to Paris — that I realised what Mrs. Barefoot was chatting about.

Basics. Less is More. I tried to call the Countess to apologise, and show her my new basics — from Balenciaga and Jil Sander. There’s even something in there for her long-time husband and my ex-lover Jeffrey — from Prada, Jil Sander, Sunnei. But alas she didn’t answer. Guess I’ll have to keep my clean lines and chic silhouettes just for me.

Indeed basic is a word seldom seen in my style lexicon, and so of course, after such a satisfying shock, I turned to my longtime friend Pierre Balmain for comfort — and he told me that all over patterns are everywhere right now. So I grabbed some Burberry and Marni to boot, and threw a symphony of Charles Jeffrey Loverboy and Edward Crutchley on my longtime boy-toy because we had a party to go to. Yes, it was my favourite half-century celebration in years: Browns’ 50th anniversary (in which I played a starring role, naturally.)

So we arrived, in head to toe clashing print. And while my fashion doula Gwynny P told me that one outfit would be enough to celebrate such a momentous occasion, if Browns has taught me anything over the years it’s to take chances and go with your gut. And so of course I had my assistant — Anne Hathaway — courier over a second outfit for us.

First I colour blocked in Rejina Pyo, Bottega Veneta, Gucci, MM6 Maison Margiela, Valentino — you name it, I colour-wheeled it. And once I was stealing just enough attention I "buckled up" for what was set to be a night for the ages — cinching my colours in belts from all my ex-landlords: Versace, Chanel, Lanvin.

After the party I retired to my personal Airbnb at Buckingham Palace where I plotted to overthrow the monarchy — something you’ll see me achieve with gusto in season four of the other show I wrote, styled and starred in (The Crown) — and I figured, in order to get past the queen’s henchmen I had to offer some tantalising distraction. So I turned to my dear friends Bottega Veneta, Khaite and Salvatore Ferragamo for some cut-out magic. Underboob here, ribcage there, torso et voilà. They don’t call me the fashion flasher for nothing.

Now I write from a locked turret in the Tower of London. Thankfully I was allowed to bring one suitcase from home for my stay in this drafty little loft room so I opted for Tie Dye. Nothing makes me feel more seen, nothing takes me back through my fashion fantasies (and mistakes) like dye that is tied. Think a flea market in Ibiza, think that rave in a field that you attended for the whole of the nineties. Think MSGM, Isabel Marant, Blue Marble, LOEWE and you’ll shake those wintry blues right off. If only I could get the heating to work in here.

That’s it for November ladettes, ladies, and non-binaries. I must retire to my tie-dye bed and peruse the Browns Gift Guide, whilst demanding Anne Hathaway fetch me my fourth Pumpkin Spiced Latte of the day.